


Doing Fractions With the Soul

by AllThoseOtherWorlds



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Autistic Character, Autistic Julian Bashir, But only a tiny bit, Gen, Genetic Engineering, Transporter Malfunction, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 14:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7056484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThoseOtherWorlds/pseuds/AllThoseOtherWorlds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian gets split into two versions of himself and everyone has to work to merge them together again, but some of Julian's personal issues come to the fore as the situation wears on.</p><p>Alternatively: sort of like "The Enemy Within" but with less physical violence and more arguing and emotional baggage.</p><p>
  <b>Comments and constructive criticism are appreciated. If you didn't like something, I'd love to know what it is so I can improve on it.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doing Fractions With the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own this, don't sue me, etcetera.  
> Disclaimer the second: I am autistic, but I'm obviously not the same person as Julian, so although I hope their portrayals will ring true, I can make no guarantees. Also this is almost definitely not medically or scientifically accurate, sorry.

It was an ordinary day on the station, which meant that Miles had about fifteen maintenance requests to see to, in addition to his ongoing upgrades to the secondary power relays and the other work he was expected to do on a daily basis. He’d delegated a few of the simple repair jobs to some of the younger engineers, and had just begun looking over some diagnostics when his commbadge chirped.

“This is O’Brien,” he answered.

“Chief, we need you in ops,” Jadzia said. “Julian’s back from his medical conference, but he’s had some trouble with the runabout.”

“On my way,” he replied, heading to ops as fast as he could.

He arrived in ops a few moments later, and was promptly greeted by Captain Sisko.

“O’Brien,” he said. “We need to transport Doctor Bashir from the runabout. He encountered some sort of nebula on his way back and it’s interfering with the runabout’s systems. He’s managed to get it this far, but Jadzia doesn’t want to dock it in case there’s some sort of contaminant.”

“I’ll get right on it,” he said, activating the console. “Why did he only encounter this nebula on the way back?”

“I looked it up with the coordinates he sent me,” Jadzia said. “It formed rapidly and started drifting. I’ve put out a warning to Starfleet that it interferes with ship’s systems. Julian said it didn’t show up on the scanners until it was too late, so we know it interferes with those too.”

“Well, if it formed quickly, it’ll probably go away the same,” Miles said, activating the transporter. The transporter pad glowed and shimmered, but there was something wrong with the rematerialization. He fed it more power and reactivated the materialization sequence. This time the shimmer coalesced properly, and Julian’s form took shape on the pad.

He stood on the transporter pad for a few seconds, then wobbled and staggered a bit, catching himself on the wall.

“Julian!” Jadzia said, giving him a hand. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” he told her, eyes squeezed shut. “I think I feel a little dizzy from the transporter, but-”

He broke off and opened his eyes as the transporter activated again. Everyone looked at Miles, who put his hands in the air defensively. “I didn’t do anything!” he protested. “It activated itself.”

Everyone watched the transporter pad warily as the new form coalesced - once again, it was Julian.

“One of them must be a changeling,” Sisko said. “Someone take a blood sample.”

Miles saw Kira and Odo both watching carefully, prepared for an escape attempt, but both Julians just stood there, looking confused and slightly nauseous.

“I’m not a changeling!” the first Julian implored, looking at Jadzia but not making eye contact. “I swear I’m not.”

“Just let them take a blood sample, then,” snapped the second, holding out his arm for the Captain. “Then they’ll know for sure.”

Everyone watched as the blood taken from Julian’s arm remained blood.

“And a hair clipping, too, just in case,” Sisko said, and Julian complied. Again, it remained as it was.

All eyes turned to the first Julian, who was visibly confused but still not trying to escape. “He must be a changeling,” he said, pointing to his double. “I’m certainly not.”

“We’ll see about that,” Sisko said, approaching him. Miles felt himself holding his breath as the blood and hair samples were taken, but to his surprise they also remained as they were.

“But how can you both be real?” Kira asked. “There must be a mistake.”

“Not necessarily,” Jadzia said. “I remember reading about something like this happening before, on the Enterprise.”

“Nothing like this happened when I was there,” Miles said. “I think I’d remember.”

“Not that Enterprise,” she said. “The other one, with Kirk. There was a transporter malfunction and he was duplicated, but there were side effects. He was split into an aggressive and a passive version of himself.” She turned her attention to the two Julians. “How are you two feeling?”

“I’m feeling fine,” said the first Julian. “I’m not even dizzy anymore. I’m glad to be back, even if there are two of me,” he added, smiling.

The second Julian just shrugged. “I’m okay,” he said. “Certainly not filled with aggression and homicidal rage, if that’s what you mean.”

“Well, I’d like you both to sit through some tests, just to be sure.” Sisko said. “Chief, I want you and Dax to work on fixing whatever this is.”

“Right away, Sir,” Miles said.

“Kira, Odo, I want you to accompany both versions of Doctor Bashir, just to be safe.”

“I’m not going to hurt anyone!” the first Julian protested, wringing his hands. “I promise.”

“I believe you,” Captain Sisko said. “But it’s still better to be safe. We don’t know exactly what the transporter did to you.”

“I understand,” he said. “But I want to make it clear that I don’t feel malicious or anything.”

“Noted,” Sisko said. “Now, one last order of business - I can’t go calling you both ‘Doctor Bashir’. We need a way to tell you apart.”

“We could call one of you Doctor Bashir and the other Julian,” Jadzia suggested.

“I’ll take ‘Julian’, then,” said the first Julian. “If you don’t mind,” he said, addressing his other self.

“I’d rather ‘Doctor Bashir’, anyway,’’ said the other.

“Really?” Odo asked. “There must be some difference between you then.”

“We won’t find out what it is until we do some tests,” Sisko said.

“On our way,” Kira told him, ushering Odo, Julian, and Doctor Bashir to the turbolift. “We’ll report back to you once we know something more.”

“As will we,” Jadzia said. “Miles, let’s go find the records on the first time this happened.”

Miles nodded and followed Jadzia out of Ops.

———

Odo watched carefully as the two Bashirs followed Kira to the infirmary, where they were to be examined. He was following them, watching for signs of difference. He’d noticed a few so far - Julian talked far more than Doctor Bashir, and was more open and congenial in his body language and facial expressions. He fidged and gestured with his hands more than he had before splitting apart, and seemed to have trouble making eye contact. Doctor Bashir was more of a mystery, silent and closed off. He kept one hand tightly wrapped around his wrist behind his back - something Odo had seen him do before splitting, but only in times of stress. Their names suited them, Odo thought: Julian the more casual and friendly, Doctor Bashir the formal and restricted. But he didn’t know just how far the differences between them went, or how dangerous they might be.

When they got to the infirmary they were greeted by a very confused Doctor Girani, who nevertheless smiled at them and ushered them into the infirmary before asking any questions.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Does anyone need immediate medical attention?”

“Nobody’s hurt,” Kira told her. “There was a transporter malfunction and Doctor Bashir was split in two. We’re calling him Julian, and him Doctor Bashir, so we can tell them apart,” she said, gesturing to the people in question. “We need you to run some medical scans on them both to see if there’s anything out of the ordinary.”

“Of course,” she said, turning to the two Bashirs. “Julian, would you come over to the biobed, please? We’ll do you first. Are you experiencing any unusual symptoms?”

“I don’t think so,” Julian said, toying with his commbadge. “Just a slight headache, and that could be anything from stress to background noise.”

“Do you usually experience headaches?” Doctor Girani asked. “I’ve never heard you mention them before.”

“On occasion,” he admitted, “But they’re not usually worth mentioning. This is slightly worse than usual.”

“Do you also have a headache?” Odo asked Doctor Bashir, who was standing in the corner and watching everyone silently.

“No,” he said.

Odo stared at him for a few seconds.

“Okay, yes,” he relented. “Happy now?”

Odo made a noncommittal sound and turned his attention back to Doctor Girani, who was scanning Julian with a tricorder.

“Your biosigns are weaker than usual,” she told him. “They seem relatively stable for now, but I don’t know how long that’ll last.”

Julian looked at the tricorder readings for a few moments and nodded. “You’re right. Heart rate and blood pressure are down, temperature slightly up… I’m not surprised I have a headache. I suppose you’ll want to run a neural scan next?”

“If you don’t mind,” she said, preparing the scan. It hummed for a few moments before showing them the results.

“That’s not what my neural network usually looks like,” Julian commented.

“You know your brain activity usually looks like?” Kira asked.

Julian rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “It’s not brain activity, per se,” he said. “But yes, I’ve done regular scans since I had access to the technology.”

“Why?” she asked, curious.

“In case something went wrong suddenly with the enhancements,” Doctor Bashir said. Everyone except for Odo startled a little; he’d been so quiet it was easy to forget he was there. “Wouldn’t want all that illegal genetic therapy to go to waste.”

“It was just a precaution,” Julian said, continuing to examine the scan. “I suppose it’s come in handy now, though. I can see right away where the differences are. And so can you,” he added, looking back at his double.

“It would certainly explain how annoying you’re being,” Doctor Bashir said, also examining the scan. “You’ve barely shut up since this started.”

“Well, _you_ _’ve_ barely said three words!” Julian exclaimed. “You’re not being helpful.”

“I’ve been being _careful,_ ” Doctor Bashir said. “Blending in. It’s just not _working_ properly.” He ran one hand through his hair, then glared at Julian. “This is _your_ fault!”

“My fault?” Julian asked. “What’s my fault?”

“This!” Doctor Bashir said, gesturing at the two of them. “You shouldn’t even be here! You’re not real!”

Odo tensed and prepared to intervene, but the two Bashirs seemed content to just argue, rather than getting physically violent.

“ _I_ _’m_ not real?” Julian said. “ _You_ _’re_ the one who’s not acting normally!”

“That’s because _I_ _’m not acting!_ ” Doctor Bashir said, voice raised slightly. “You’re not real! You’re just a mask, a- a false personality I created to seem normal and not draw attention! You shouldn’t _be_ here, because you’re not me and you never were!”

“I-” Julian said, shock and hurt evident in his voice. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course I’m real. I’m here, aren’t I? I’m not just a mask or a facade. I was never just pretending to be like me.”

Doctor Bashir opened his mouth to speak, but Chief O’Brien cut them off. “You two can keep arguing later,” he told them. “Jadzia and I found something in the records we thought you should know.”

“Miles!” Julian said, turning to him. “And Jadzia. When did you two get here?”

“In time to hear most of your argument,” Lieutenant Dax said, “but that’s not important right now. What is important is that you two have to be rejoined soon or you’ll both be in trouble, if this is anything like what happened on the Enterprise.”

“Both of them have weaker biosigns than normal,” Doctor Girani told them, lowering her tricorder from where she’d been examining Doctor Bashir. “Even despite the increase in adrenaline from the argument they just had, both of them have lower heart rates and blood pressure than they should. It’s like they’re still connected on a subcellular level and their bodies are straining themselves to rejoin, even though that’s impossible.”

Jadzia nodded, looking unsurprised. “We’ll have to rejoin you soon, then,” she said.

“The Enterprise reported the method they used to rejoin both versions of Captain Kirk,” O’Brien said, “but we’ll have to modify it slightly for it to work here. We should have it ready in a few hours.”

“I don’t _want_ him back,” Doctor Bashir said.

“Isn’t there some way we can stay apart without getting hurt?” Julian asked.

“Not that I know of,” O’Brien said. “But I’m an engineer, not a doctor.”

“If you show us the research, we might be able to work something out,” Julian said, then turned to Doctor Bashir. “That is, if you could stand working with me for a while.” The words sounded like they should have been sarcastic, but Odo couldn’t detect a note of it in his voice.

“If you want, you can come and look at the work we’ve done,” Dax said. “But I think it would be better for everyone if you two rejoined. You probably need each other more than you know.”

“We’ll see,” Julian said. Doctor Bashir stayed silent.

“Before you go,” Kira said, “Could someone explain that brain scan? I mean, I can see that they’re acting differently, but what’s the main difference?”

“Are those neural patterns normal for humans?” Jadzia asked. “Or could those similarities there-” she pointed to the relevant areas- “be related to the split?”

“The pattern you’re referring to is within the range of human neurodiversity,” Doctor Girani said. “I can’t say more without violating their privacy.”

“It’s a developmental condition referred to as autism,” Julian said. Doctor Bashir muttered something uncomplimentary under his breath. “It’s probably what my parents tried to cure by enhancing me, but given that the enhancement mostly focused on neural pathway formation and density, I’m not sure how they thought that would work. I don’t think I was diagnosed as a child, so it’s likely that they didn’t know exactly what they were trying to do. I’m not surprised both versions of me are still autistic, though I do find it interesting that we appear to be presenting differently as a result of other changes in brain structure.”

“Oh, okay,” Jadzia said. “And those structural differences are…?”

Doctor Girani started explaining the structural differences while Julian and Doctor Bashir argued quietly in the background. Odo kept a metaphorical ear on them to make sure they weren’t posing a threat, but it seemed like the argument was over whether or not Julian should have revealed that he was autistic, and the information Doctor Girani was providing seemed more relevant to the situation at hand.

“The differences are mainly here and here,” she said, pointing. “The short version is that Julian is probably more enthusiastic and unguarded, and Doctor Bashir is probably more cautious and withdrawn. There are also many smaller differences, but they’re small enough that drawing meaningful conclusions from them would be difficult. Neural scans can only reveal so much.”

“Do you believe either of them pose a threat to the station?” Odo asked. He’d keep an eye on them either way, of course, but Doctor Girani’s input could still be useful.

“Of course not!” Julian protested, but Odo silenced him with a look.

“I don’t believe so.” Doctor Girani told him. “They both seem to have reasonable levels of self-control, and I think it’s unlikely either will become physically violent. Still, I wouldn’t rule it out, since obviously this situation is highly unusual.”

Odo nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on them,” he said.

“You can come with us, then,” Dax told him, turning to the door. “We’d better find a way to fix this.”

“I’ll report back to the Captain,” Kira said. “You don’t need me for this.”

“Well, let’s go,” O’Brien said, and they all left the infirmary - Julian, Doctor Bashir, Chief O’Brien, Dax, and Odo himself heading towards the research labs, and Kira heading to Ops to report to Captain Sisko.

———

“-And the fact of the matter is that the dominant allele wasn’t going to change, despite any attempts to the contrary,” Julian said, gesturing emphatically.

“And this helps our research how, exactly?” Doctor Bashir asked.

“Right, sorry,” Julian said, and returned to the pad.

A few moments passed, and then he spoke up again. “Are you actually working? Because to me it looks like you’re just pressing random buttons. I thought you wanted to find a way for us to not rejoin.”

Doctor Bashir glared at him. “I _am_ working,” he snapped. “I just-” he broke off. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“No, you don’t,” Julian said. “But since apparently I can’t work without getting distracted-” he smiled self-depreciatingly, “-I’d have thought _you_ _’d_ be able to focus. So what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Doctor Bashir said.

“You know, you suck at lying when you’re split up,” Jadzia remarked.

Doctor Bashir let out a frustrated sigh. “ _Fine_. I’m not getting distracted, I just can’t stay motivated, alright? Look, I hate this as much - probably more - than you do, but I just can’t seem to stay focused on _working_ instead just drifting off.”

“Interesting,” Julian said. “I wonder if that’s caused by executive dysfunction? But usually for us that’s just issues with changing or stopping tasks, so why is it different now? It must be related to us splitting up, so it’s probably connected to the areas with neural pathway differences. That could have interesting potential for research…”

Jadzia almost asked what executive dysfunction was, but given how talkative Julian was, she decided not to. Instead, she cleared her throat and waited until they had both stopped talking.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but neither of you is making any progress, and you’re distracting those of us that are. I think it might be best if we went somewhere else.” She turned to Chief O’Brien. “I think the rest of this is your domain, anyway, right Chief?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I should be able to finish this in an hour or so, if I’m not disturbed,” he said.

“To rejoin us?” Julian asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry, I know you want to stay separate, but I just don’t think it can be done. You saw the research, you know how unlikely it is. Severing the subcellular connection without hurting you further is practically impossible.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “It might be for the best, anyway, given how this is going. It seems that the changes in brain function were more extensive than I originally assumed.”

Doctor Bashir made a noncommittal sound and said nothing else.

“Well,” Jadzia said, standing up, “I suggest we go to my quarters to eat, since neither of you have eaten since this started. I _would_ suggest the replimat, but given the circumstances, it’s probably best you two stay out of public for a while.”

“Right,” Julian said. “Okay.”

“Odo, did you still want to accompany us?” Jadzia asked.

“I suppose they’re probably not dangerous,” Odo said. “But I would still advise you to be careful.”

“I’ll keep an eye on them,” Jadzia said. “Now, let’s go and leave the Chief to work.”

She led the two Bashirs out of the room and down the corridor to the turbolift. Odo headed in the opposite direction, presumably to go find Quark.

———

“Well, at least something hasn’t changed between you,” Jadzia said, smiling as both Bashirs ordered Plomeek soup from her replicator and returned to the table.

“You’re right,” Julian said, taking a mouthful of soup. “I wonder why that is.”

“We never really figured out why you split the way you did,” Jadzia said. “It’s probably related.”

“I wouldn’t mind the chance to collect more data on this,” Julian said. “You never know what use could come of it. I suppose it’d be best to wait to analyze it until I’m back to normal, though.”

We can probably go down to the infirmary and run more tests, if you want,” Jadzia said. “If you think you and Doctor Bashir can keep from arguing this time.”

“I’ll try if he does,” Julian said.

“Just don’t be annoying, and it’ll be fine,” Doctor Bashir said.

“I’m not _that_ annoying,” Julian protested.

Doctor Bashir raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

“Are you okay with running more tests?” Jadzia asked Doctor Bashir. He’d been fairly reticent, and she didn’t want to accidentally ignore him.

“Sure,” he said. “I don’t care either way.”

“Well, we can go when you’ve finished your soup,” she said.

“I’m not really hungry,” Julian said, moving to dispose of his unfinished soup.

“I feel like you’re babysitting us,” Doctor Bashir complained.

“I wouldn’t call it _babysitting_ , exactly,” she said. “I’m… chaperoning you. It’s probably not necessary, but given what happened last time something like this occurred, it’s best to be careful. Would you rather Odo do it instead?”

“Your company is always welcome,” Julian said.

“Thanks,” she smiled, “but don’t think flattery will get you out of being chaperoned.”

“I wasn’t-” he protested

“I know,” she said. “I was just joking.”

“Ah, okay,” he said, but looked a little unsettled.

Doctor Bashir just watched, a strange look on his face.

———

“Back again?” Doctor Girani asked as they entered the infirmary.

“I wanted to run some more tests,” Julian said. “Collect more data, that sort of thing. You never know what use could come of it.”

“Okay,” she said. “What did you have in mind?”

“Blood samples, some other types of brain scans, a few perceptual tests,” Julian said. “Whatever we have time for, I suppose.”

“Well, fortunately there haven’t been many medical issues today,” she said. “You’re the only patient I’ve seen in the past three hours, except for an engineering ensign who got burned running tests on the plasma conduits.”

“Let’s get started then,” he said, moving towards one of the biobeds.

“Are you also participating?” she asked Doctor Bashir.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Wait, why not?” Julian asked. “You know how useful this data could be.”

“I don’t think it would be a good idea,” he said. “I’d rather be the one doing tests, not the other way around.”

“Well, what if I do them?” Julian asked. “If I’m the one doing the tests, and we lock the data so only I can access it, is there still a problem?”

“I suppose not,” he said, after a few moments. Then, more quietly, “thank you.”

“I’m not trying to fight with you,” Julian said. “Now, let me just get a hypospray…”

Jadzia watched as they took turns running tests on each other, trying to judge their current relationship. Julian seemed to have warmed up to his double, having decided that he wanted to function the way he usually did, and needed to be rejoined to do that. Doctor Bashir seemed less eager to be rejoined, but was also less vitriolic towards Julian than he had been at the start of all this, which seemed like a good sign. It wasn’t like they had much of an option, after all - all of her research had indicated that staying separate would hurt them.

She shivered. She’d been trying not to think of it, because it wasn’t really at all similar, but she couldn’t help but be reminded of her encounter with Verad. Being separated from herself like that had been terrifying, and although she didn’t know if that’s what this was like for Julian - both Julians - she still felt herself sympathizing with him.

She was pulled out of her thoughts as Julian cried out in pain.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, one hand instinctively going to her phaser.

“My head,” he managed, clenching and unclenching his fists. Doctor Bashir was clutching his hands to his head, curled in on himself slightly, and she surmised he was also in pain.

“It must be the effect of being split,” she said, tapping her commbadge. “Chief, how soon will you be ready?”

“I’m almost done,” he told her. “Meet me in Ops in five minutes.”

“We’ll be there,” she said, ending the commlink. “Is there anything you can do for them, Doctor?” she asked, turning her attention back to the Infirmary.

“I’ve given them both something for the pain,” she said, “but I can’t do much more than that.”

“Then that’ll have to do,” she said. “Can you both walk? We need to get to Ops.”

They struggled to their feet, Julian still clenching and unclenching his fists and Doctor Bashir tense all over.

“The pain medication is working somewhat,” Julian said. “I should be okay.”

“I agree,” Doctor Bashir said, moving to the door. “Let’s go.”

The three of them made their way to Ops, where Chief O’Brien would be waiting to merge them back together. Nobody said much, but that was okay. There wasn’t much to say, at least not for now. She wanted to discuss this with Julian a little once it was all over.

———

The Chief was already there when they arrived in Ops, along with Sisko, Kira, and a few ensigns at the consoles. He looked up and smiled in relief when they entered the room, then entered a few more commands into the transporter. “Good, you’re here,” he said. “Just stand on the transporter pad and I’ll put you back together.”

Julian nodded and went to stand on the transporter pad, but Doctor Bashir held back.

“What is it?” Julian asked, looking back at him. “You know we need to do this.”

Doctor Bashir ignored him, focusing instead on Chief O’Brien.

“There’s another way to do this,” he said. “You can put me in the transporter buffer and use the quantum template from my cells to overlay and strengthen his. That should solve the problem and prevent him from destabilizing.”

Jadzia blinked, surprised and concerned that he would suggest that. It was an option that had occurred to her near the beginning of all this, but she’d immediately dismissed it because-

“What?” the Chief asked. “But that would kill you! I can’t do that.”

Because of that. Jadzia wondered if she should interfere, but decided it was best to watch and see how this played out. She couldn’t argue with Doctor Bashir until she knew why he was suggesting this. She could see similar thoughts cross the faces of the other people in the room.

“You have to; it’s for the best,” Doctor Bashir said. “You know it’ll work.”

“But why would you do that?” Julian asked, confusion written all over his face. “I don’t want that! Just come here so we can go back to normal.”

“But we _shouldn_ _’t_ go back together!” Doctor Bashir exclaimed. “I’m not real! It’s better I don’t go back.”

“What do you mean?” Julian asked. “I thought you said _I_ was the one who wasn’t real - not that that’s true, mind you.”

“I was wrong,” Doctor Bashir said. “I see that now. I thought you were just a persona I created, a way to pretend I was normal so that people wouldn’t question me. But I was wrong! You’re the real one, you have to be. You’re what I should have been all along, before they made me what I am now.”

“What are you talking about?” Julian asked. “We’re both real, obviously. We’re both standing here now, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but I’m not supposed to be here! I was just an invention from our parents when they decided they didn’t like _you_!”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Julian asked.

“You’re what remains of Jules, you have to be,” Doctor Bashir finished, hand tightly clutching his wrist behind his back. He seemed surprisingly calm, except for the sound of his voice.

Julian, on the other hand, had emotions written all over his face - confusion, disbelief, embarrassment, anger. Jadzia couldn’t interpret them all. He was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, thinking. After a few minutes he focused on his double and addressed him.

“Why do you believe that?” he asked. “Because I’m closer to how we pretended to be normal? You know we used the genetic enhancements more than anything when pretending to be normal, so that’s not a good reason. Is it because you think I ‘act younger’? Because that’s an inappropriate and meaningless phrase and you know it. Is it because you think I act more ‘obviously autistic’, as though that’s possible? Because you saw the brain scans and you know you’re still autistic too. Is it because you have massive self-worth issues? Because I’m really not looking forward to explaining this to everyone when I go back together, but I _do_ want to go back together, so you’d better- auggh!” he broke off, clutching his head again. Doctor Bashir doubled over for a moment, but managed to straighten himself again, entire body tense.

“We don’t have much time,” O’Brien said. “ _Please_ get on the transporter pad.”

“Think of Julian like a patient of yours,” Jadzia said. “He’s going to die, and there are two procedures you could use to save his life. There’s one he’s adamantly against, and one he supports. Either way, you die or become someone else. Which one do you use?”

Doctor Bashir hesitated for a minute, and Jadzia badly wanted to rush him, but she knew better. If she pushed him, he might refuse on instinct and then they’d be back to the beginning. They couldn’t do anything but wait.

After what felt like forever but was probably only a few minutes, he started walking towards the transporter. He stepped on and nodded at O’Brien, face inscrutable. Jadzia and O’Brien looked at each other and shared smiles of relief, and then the transporter was activated.

She watched as both figures disappeared in a shimmering light, and held her breath as for a moment the transporter pad was empty. She let it out in a whoosh as the transporter activated again, depositing a single Julian Bashir on the transporter pad.

He blinked a few times, then put one hand to his head. “Ow,” he said, wincing a little. “That hurt.”

“As long as you’re okay,” Jadzia said, smiling.

Then Julian evidently remembered what had just transpired, and winced again. “I… um. I’m sorry about all that,” he said. “Can we officially just say that it was emotional instability caused by the destabilizing of my subcellular structure?” he asked, looking in the Captain’s general direction.

“Of course,” Sisko said. “But I do need you to undergo physical and psychological evaluations before I let you go back on-duty.”

He nodded. “Yes, Sir. I’ll go do that now.” He left the room in a bit of a rush, and they all let him go. There was an awkward silence for the next few moments until Captain Sisko said, “I expect reports from everyone involved; please have them to me by this time Wednesday.”

O’Brien nodded. “I’ll let Julian know, too,” he said.

“I’ll start working on that now,” Jadzia told them, heading for the door. Might as well get it out of the way now - she had plans for the evening.

———

“Mind if I join you?” Jadzia said, sitting down across from Julian. He wasn’t surprised by her arrival; in fact, he’d eaten here specifically so that he could get most of the awkward conversations out of the way. He’d passed the physical and psychological tests with no problems, so he was officially back on-duty tomorrow morning. Still, he was off for the rest of today and he knew people would want to talk to him after what had taken place.

“Ah, Jadzia,” he said, smiling at her.

“How are you?” she asked. “You’ve had quite a day.”

“That’s for sure,” he agreed, “but I’m fine now. I passed the evaluations Sisko asked me to do, so I’m fit to return to duty.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said. “By the way, the Captain wants a report from you on the incident, by Wednesday.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” he said. “I’ll get to work on it tonight.”

He took a sip of his Tarkalean tea, enjoying the sweetness and the warmth. After a moment he sighed deeply and spoke again.

“I’m sorry about what happened in Ops,” he said. “You didn’t need to see all that.” The worst part of this entire thing - beyond the headache and the exhaustion - was that he’d inadvertently given most of the senior staff a close-up look at all the emotional baggage he tried to hide (and, if he was honest with himself, ignore).

“It’s okay, Julian,” she said. “I’m just glad you’re okay now.” She paused a moment, then said, “You know they were both real, right? It’s who you are now that matters, not which part of you was there first.”

“I know,” he said, because that was what he was supposed to say, and because that was easier than explaining that he _did_ know, but that wouldn’t stop him wondering. It wouldn’t stop the feeling that there was something wrong with him, something broken that they had tried to get rid of, something broken _because_ they had tried to get rid of it. He had never told his parents that he was still autistic. He was too afraid of what they would say, too afraid of how they would react. He had never told anybody, as a matter of fact - not until today, when it was so much harder to hide everything. They hadn’t seemed to mind, hadn’t realized the implications - or if they had, they hadn’t commented upon them.

Jadzia wouldn’t, he supposed. Trill didn’t have any neurotype equivalent to autism. He’d looked it up once, out of idle curiosity. There were some species that did, and some that didn’t, but Trill didn’t. She didn’t have the same cultural context for it as he did, so her finding out didn’t really change anything. He suspected it was the same with Odo and Kira, so Miles was the only uncertainty. There was the Captain, of course, but somehow he wasn’t as worried about him. Of course he cared what he thought, but they interacted in a mostly professional context and if it didn’t bring up any new information about his abilities (it didn’t; anything that was relevant Julian had already brought up, just without the precise terminology) then it wouldn’t be mentioned again.

“I mean it,” Jadzia said, snapping him out of his thoughts. “I can see both of them in you, and in how you act. Passionate, cautious, open, secretive - it’s all part of you, even if it contradicts. Trust me.”

“I know,” he said, meaning it a little more this time, even if he knew this one conversation wouldn’t stop the wondering. “Thank you.”

“What else are friends for?” she asked, smiling. She bit into a bite of krada leg and gagged a little. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go buy some proper krada leg. Remind me never to get Klingon food from Federation replicators ever again.”

“I will,” he said, smiling. “Have a good evening, Jadzia. Thanks for the company.”

“Anytime,” she said. “Have a good evening, Julian.”

He watched her go, then got up to dispose of his dishes and find Miles for a game of darts.

He sighed to himself. At least Garak hadn’t caught wind of this yet - he didn’t need him to have quite _that_ much information about his emotional baggage. At least, not without getting something about the tailor back in return. He was sure Garak would learn of it sooner or later, but that was okay. Garak could be surprisingly good at knowing when to push and when to let things be, and although Julian knew he would be fascinated with this entire situation, he probably wouldn’t push too much farther than Julian was comfortable with.

It was going to be okay

———

“Good evening, Miles,” Julian said, approaching the dartboard. Miles had arrived before him, but hadn’t started playing yet.

“Hello, Julian,” Mile said, handing him some of the darts. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” he said, mostly automatically. “Tired, though,” he added, as an afterthought.

“Can’t blame you,” his friend said, “weird stuff like this is usually exhausting - trust me, I always end up on the other end of it. Never seen something like this, specifically, though.”

“You do end up in a lot of strange situations,” Julian agreed. “I can’t say I’m fond of being involved in any more like this myself, though.” He aimed a shot at the dartboard, then moved back to stand by Miles.

“Yeah, today must have been rough,” Miles said. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Julian said. “It’s just frustrating, is all. After the whole fiasco when my enhancements were discovered, I really didn’t want any more personal revelations against my will.”

“You mean what happened in Ops?” Miles asked, grabbing the darts from the board. “It’s fine. Neither of them were really _you_ , you know?”

“Funny,” Julian said. “Jadzia told me both of them were me. I guess you’re both right.” He took the darts Miles was offering him and twirled one between his fingers.

“Well, they were both parts of you, obviously,” Miles said. “But you’re more than just the sum of your parts, Julian.”

“Thanks,” he said. There was a moment of silence as they both just played the game, and then Miles spoke up again.

“When you first told me about your enhancements,” he said, “you described what you were like, before, but you never used any specific terminology. I just thought you never knew, but in Ops you said you were autistic.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I am. But I don’t really tell people, much. I was autistic before the enhancements as well as now, so I didn’t mention it when explaining it to you. I’m sure it’s why my parents had me enhanced, and although I am still autistic, the way it presents changed, so it made more sense to be specific when explaining things to you.”

“That sounds reasonable,” Miles said, “but it’s a load of bull and you know it.” At Julian’s confused look he added, “I’m sure what you said is true, but that’s not the whole story. I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but I’m just saying.”

“No, you’re right,” he said. “I guess keeping it a secret is a habit, because even though I know better now, know that it doesn’t make me _inferior_ or anything, it’s still… It’s still the reason my parents didn’t want me, you know? I mean, of course you don’t, you’ve never had that happen, but…” he trailed off.

“Julian,” Miles said. “If I ever meet your parents again I am going to give them a strong talking-to and a stern warning.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, smiling a little. He wasn’t sure if Miles was serious or joking (wasn’t sure if he wanted him to be serious or joking) but it was good to know he was on his side.

“So, another game?” Miles asked.

“Sure,” Julian said, and smiled.


End file.
